Traveling As A Widow: Finding Joy Without Guilt

The first time I booked a trip after my husband died, it wasn’t for fun. It was to escape.

Traveling became a way to run—

to run from the reminders,

to run from the silence,

to run from the kids that looked so much like him it hurt to breathe.

I was gone all the time. City to city, country to country…

But no matter where I landed, the ache followed me.

Because you can’t outrun grief.

You carry it.

The Escape That Wasn’t Healing

In the beginning, I didn’t travel to heal—I traveled to hide.

I ended up in the wrong places, with the wrong people. I ran into the arms of a man who didn’t want to love me—he just wanted access to a broken woman with a wide-open heart and no defenses left.

I thought if I filled my life with motion, I could avoid the stillness that came with missing him.

But all that motion did was make me miss him more.

Miss them more.

My babies.

My life.

Myself.

And eventually, I realized:

I couldn’t escape the pain.

I couldn’t leave grief behind.

Grief was part of me now.

And I needed to stop running…and start owning it.

(Yea..I had to own that sh*t)

Shifting Into Something More Honest

So I shifted.

I started traveling with my kids.

Not to run away—but to move forward.

Not to forget—but to remember that life still held moments worth living for.

But even then, the guilt followed me.

Guilt for laughing.

Guilt for seeing new places.

Guilt for being able to touch our kids, cuddle them, hear their laughs…when he couldn’t.

It crushed me at times—knowing I was here, and he wasn’t.

That guilt is something Option B talks about so beautifully — how joy after loss isn’t a betrayal, it’s survival. That reminder helped me let go a little more each time.

How I Learned To Let Joy Stay

I had to make a decision. To stop letting guilt steal what grief hadn’t already taken.

To stop apologizing for being alive.

Because our babies?

They didn’t deserve a mom who was just existing.

They deserved a mom who was whole, present, and joyful.

So I started focusing on what I could control: Laughter. Memories. Presence. Healing.

And I gave myself permission to feed my joy—without guilt following.

To The Widow Who Feels Torn

If you’re missing someone and wondering if it’s “too soon” to smile again, to travel again, to feel light again…

This is your permission.

You’re not betraying them by living.

You’re honoring them and their sacrifice by continuing.

Go where your heart feels called.

And if joy finds you there—let it stay.

Modern Loss offers real-life stories and reflections on how others have done the same — and it’s okay if your path looks different.

You deserve that.

Your kids deserve that.

And the version of you that’s still becoming? She does too.

If you’re learning how to carry grief and joy together, you’re not alone.

Subscribe to my newsletter for stories, resources, and healing reminders.

And if you’re ready to connect more deeply, join The Brave Space — a private place for widows navigating life, loss, and what comes next.

La 💙