When Joy Creeps Back In: Learning To Receive Love Without Guilt
Grief taught me how to survive. But healing? Healing is teaching me how to live again. Not just exist. Not just function. Live. And lately, I’ve noticed joy creeping back in—softly, unexpectedly, sometimes even through the arms of someone new. At first, that joy made me feel guilty. Like I was doing something wrong by smiling again, by feeling again, by loving again. But now? I’m learning to let it stay—and to let him in.
The first time I laughed without catching myself—I felt guilty…the first time I felt butterflies with anyone who wasn’t my late husband, I immediately felt bad and sad.
The first time someone else made me feel safe again—I pulled away, and sometimes I still do.
The first time I realized I was starting to feel seen—it scared the hell out me. Because again, why me? Why would anyone want this widow that comes with so much baggage?
And how could I hold space for someone new…when I still hold so much love for the one I lost?
But Here’s What I Learned:
Love is not betrayal—it’s a continuation.
It doesn’t replace what I had. It honors it.
It says: “Because I’ve known deep, unconditional love, I know how to receive it again.”
I’m still the woman who cries in quiet moments, who thinks of him when certain songs play, who lights candles and whispers, “I miss you and thank you for showing me what true love is.”
But I am also the woman who is learning to say yes again.
Yes to being loved, held, and seen—in a new way.
Yes to someone who knows I come with history, with heartache, and strength.
Yes to a future that isn’t built on forgetting, but on expanding.
Here Is What I’m Giving Myself Permission To Do:
Feel joy without guilt
Receive love without shame
Know I’m worthy of being cherished again
Hold both grief and gratitude in the same breath
Because I can honor my past and embrace the possibility of love now.
I can still carry him in my heart…while allowing someone else to hold my hand.
If you’ve ever felt torn between honoring your loss and opening your heart again—know that you’re not alone.
You are allowed to feel joy.
You are allowed to be loved.
You are allowed to begin again, beautifully and bravely.
If joy finds you—or someone does—let it in, let them in. You deserve it baby.
If you’re learning how to let joy back into your life after loss, I’m walking that road too.
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—La 💙
