I used to think I’d never be angry with God…
You’re taught from a young age, to never question God…
God always has a plan…
He’ll never give you more than you can handle…
God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers…
But then I lost the love of my life.
And suddenly, all the things I thought I believed… started to shake.
I wasn’t just heartbroken.
I was mad…angrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life…
Why him?
The nicest, most caring, even-tempered man.
A gentle father. A protector. The steady in our storm.
Why take him?
Why my kids?
Why make them grow up without their dad at such a young age?
I couldn’t pray for a while.
Not because I didn’t believe…but because belief hurt.
Grief Taught Me How Fragile Faith Can Be
Everyone talks about trusting God in the storm.
But what about when the storm doesn’t pass?
When the miracle doesn’t come?
When you bury the person you begged God to heal?
I didn’t stop believing.
But I stopped talking to Him for a while.
Because how do you talk to the God who could have stopped it… and didn’t?
My Questions Weren’t Quiet
They echoed in the kitchen. In the car. In the hospital. In the funeral home.
• “Where were You?”
• “Why did You let my kids lose their father?”
• “Didn’t You see how good he was?”
• “Why answer other people’s prayers and not mine?”
• “How do I sing to You when I’m barely surviving?”
They weren’t disrespectful.
They were honest.
And for the first time in my life, I realized…
God can handle my honesty.
Faith doesn’t erase pain, it walks with it.
I’m Not Angry Anymore, But I Still Wonder
Healing didn’t come all at once.
It came in whispers. In tiny moments where I felt God sitting with me, not fixing it, just being there. Because I now know that only he could have brought me through what I was feeling at that time.
Now, I find peace in…
• Silent prayers that start with “I’m trying and please help me...”
• Scriptures that don’t skip the suffering.
• Knowing Jesus wept too.
• Letting my relationship with God look different than it used to.
If You’re Still Angry, Still Asking…
You are not less faithful.
You are not broken beyond repair.
You are not alone.
You are human.
You are grieving.
And you are allowed to bring your pain to the altar, not just your praise.
God never walked away from me.
Even when I was too hurt to reach for Him.
He stayed…holding me…guiding me…listening to me…bringing me through when I didn’t know how to bring myself through.
And slowly, I let Him back in.
And you know what’s wild?
God will still find a way to reach you, even when you’re mad.
He’ll speak through those closest to you, through moments, through quiet and loud nudges you didn’t ask for.
For me it was my dad. He saw I was lost—spiritually, emotionally, deeply lost.
And somehow, God used him to intervene.
To step in.
To help.
To pull me back from the edge when I couldn’t see a way out.
I am forever grateful for that.
For the grace that showed up in the form of my father. And for God who never gave up on me, even when I had nothing left to give back.
With a faith that now includes fire,
La 💙
